Addendum RE: "The Boy"

Instead of adding more to my previous blog, I felt it necessary to write an addendum of "The Boy." I was approached and messaged by several women feeling concerned about what I wrote about "The Boy" and him doing nothing wrong to me.  

He did a lot wrong to me!  Quite a bit.  And in a very short time.  However, my intention was more to bring to light that he was honest through and through as to who he is as a person.  If you can recall, I mentioned that when you first meet someone you are not meeting that person, you are meeting their representative.  If we are honest with ourselves, we all do it.  We want to show this new person the good parts of ourselves and sweep over the not so pretty areas.  

I can only speak on my perspective as a woman and my personal experiences.  In meeting someone I like, I begin to look into the potential.  It seems healthy to do so, but it can be so dangerous.  And that was my mistake.  The Boy talked about his faith, family and what he hopes in life in our first initial interactions.  In my mind it was like, "Check, check, and check."  

I recall telling friends how awesome and amazing he was, "We go to the same church and have similar values."  Blah... blah... blah...  The old sang, "Talk is cheap," is something we should all cling onto.  Seriously...  

I clung onto the good parts.  And took a blind eye, as a close friend says to me, to the obvious red flags.  Unanswered text messages, not calling when he said he would, changing or canceling plans at the last minute, etc.  Those things came out quickly, but my sights were placed on the potential.  Who he could be.

So in me saying he did nothing wrong.  I mean it.  He was very honest in his actions and words about who he was.  My expectation of the potential of who he or what we could be is what let me down.  

As a therapist, I see that quite a bit.  Most specifically in women.  I see it in myself.  I see it in my sisters.  I see it in my close girlfriends.  We cling onto the fantasy of who this potential partner could be.  I am not saying to stop fantasizing about having the happily ever after, but it is important that we also be realistic.  

Our expectations of others can and will most often let us down.  And that is not fair to that person.  We begin to idolize them and then when they show us their humanness, we act surprised and appalled.  We get mad.  But in reality, we are allowing ourselves to get treated that way.  We are truly ALLOWING this.  Instead of blaming that person, why not ask, "How come I am allowing this?"  

It's hard to look in the mirror and take responsibility.  But if I am honest with myself, what have I allowed into my life?  It would be easy to point to others and blame, but in all honesty I have allowed a lot of unnecessary drama into my life.

I know how I should be treated.  We all know how we should be treated.  It is important that we recognize that.  We know when we are being mistreated.  

This last part is for both men and women.  You KNOW how you should be treated.  Please do not settle for anything less.  We are in a society where we tend to settle.  Do not be a part of that.  I nearly did that to myself once again in less than a month.